I have done extensive research, performing interviews with countless mobile users (well, four actually, but who’s counting) to get to the bottom of which phones are at the top of the pile. This is what I discovered…
Why we’re better than everyone else — iPhone users
It is ridiculous that we should even be asked why our phones are superior to yours, dirty commoner. What an insult! Was the patron saint Steve Jobs not martyred so that we could enjoy superior mobile technology? But don’t worry, I just installed a new app that is answering this question for me while I sip Cristal on my private yacht, and when it is finished submitting this unnecessary justification of my choice in cellular phone I will switch to another app I downloaded the other day that will skilfully perform oral sex on me. In closing, it is not true that we iPhone users think that we are superior to everyone else. If you think that then you are probably under the impression that we are deluded and arrogant, which would be impossible since we are all perfect. That is all.
Why we’re better than everyone else — Android users
An iPhone? Pah. Why would anyone want one of those? Don’t you realise that they trade off their reputation as the sexiest company in tech to force prices up while phones that run on Android, rather than going for gimmicks, actually strive to provide you with an affordable operating system that works well? iPhone users are all a bunch of poncey, arrogant know-it-alls or spoiled trustafarian hipsters who spend their time boasting about how great their phone is and AAAAARG!!!! We can’t take it anymore!!!!! We all want an iPhone but we either can’t afford one or we are too scared that if we get one Apple will force us to join some kind of creepy cult and make us sacrifice our parents!!!!! Sorry. We just had a moment there. We still have phones that are better than almost all others on the market. Now, if you’ll excuse us, we’re going to go stand at the window of an iStore and cry.
Why we’re better than BlackBerry users — people with R100 Nokias
The most basic Blackberry costs R2 500. That means by choosing to rather get a R100 Nokia we have saved R2 400, with which we can buy some good single malt whiskey, enjoy a meal at a Michelin-starred restaurant and still have enough money left over for a gram of pure Columbian cocaine. And sure, our phone does lack free instant messaging, free data or any of the other BlackBerry perks, but on the plus side it does have the ability to remain charged for approximately a week longer than the average BlackBerry, and is also equipped with the bonus feature of being able to function as an actual phone. We win.
Why we’re better than getting slapped in the face with a rotting salmon — BlackBerry users
While we are aware that some people have expressed scepticism at our claim that our mobile phone is better than getting slapped in the face with a rotting salmon, we would like to offer our support to the manufacturers of BlackBerry and state that this is certainly not the case. Sure, it could be argued that getting slapped in the face with a rotting salmon is an experience that provides only passing discomfort, while owning a BlackBerry is the start of a lifetime of disappointment and pain, we feel that… Forgive us, our argument as to why owning a Blackberry is better than getting slapped in the face with a rotting salmon was cut short by our phone suddenly running out of battery. What we were trying to say is… Sorry, we lost focus there because our phone momentarily froze for an hour. In closing, we would like to know if anyone has the name of a fishmonger nearby who may be getting rid of old stock?