I have said it time and time again. Despite the efforts of various counter-revolutionary forces to make the internet about other things, like social interaction, the spread of important information or porn, everyone knows that the internet’s true purpose is to glorify cats by any means necessary.
It is well-known among people interested in the actual truth (this is not even a conspiracy theory at all), that the internet was originally created by brainwashed human slaves at the behest of The Meow Meow, a top-secret cat organisation whose aim is the progression and advancement of cat society at the expense of humankind.
The evil cat overlords seek to subjugate and enslave human beings, leading up to their eventual takeover of the earth, which will see all human beings forced to do the bidding of their cat rulers. Anyone who has seen how some cat lovers treat their pets is proof that The Meow Meow’s job is already half-done. And these websites, which are all not in the least bit pointless or weird, are all steps towards an age where the internet will exist solely for the purpose of cat worship.
Your cat may have it all — unrestricted passage through your home, plenty of couches to scratch, toys, a throne of gold and silk to sleep on and a pet therapist for when it feels a little down. Perhaps it eats only fresh Chilean Salmon and drinks only free range organic goat’s milk. But if your cat does not have a profile on Catbook, you may as well be locked up for animal abuse. Just as any human being doesn’t actually exist unless he or she is on Facebook, Catbook is a social networking tool that would allow your cat to network with other cats provided cats had any interest whatsoever in doing so. Sure, Tiger may seem ambivalent about all the time and energy you’ve spent on his Catbook page, but Tiger acts ambivalent about everything. It’s just his way. I’m sure, deep down, he’s actually really appreciative.
2. Pet Loss Grief Support Website
Losing a cat (or dog, hamster, goldfish or iguana for that matter) isn’t easy, and sometimes it seems that in our callous, heartless modern world, nobody cares. But don’t worry, the Pet Loss Grief Support Website offers all the sensitivity and understanding you’ll need if the loss of your cat is harder for you to deal with than the passing of all of your human relatives combined. The site has ‘healing poetry’, invitation to candle lighting memorial ceremonies and even has soothing music playing in the background. It is also very tastefully done and boasts extremely cutting edge web design. And if that’s not enough, you can even have a tasteful video made for your late cat by genius filmmaker Andyvonf.
3. Stuff on my Cat
Though it may not seem like the cats on this site are enjoying themselves, one novel way to indulge in cat worship is to place a variety of objects on your cat and then immortalise the moment through photography. At Stuff On My Cat there is seemingly no end to their users’ inventive quest to see just how many different household items can be placed on top of their kitty. There are cats upon cats, hats upon cats, baby-brats upon cats, and thousands of pictures of your feline friends looking much less impressed with the hilarious items you have placed upon them than you are. The Meow Meow are not amused.
4. Cats that look like Hitler
It is a sad reality that some cats bear an unfortunate resemblance to a man synonymous with evil — Adolf Hitler. But while some remain silent about their cats’ unfortunate emo fringe and Hitler moustache combination, others choose to bravely come out and admit the reality that their cat looks like the infamous Nazi leader. For obvious reasons, reactions to the site have not all been favourable with negative reactions varying from “How can you possibly endorse or support facist racism? Don’t you know your history? It’s people like you who oppressed and killed my people” to the slightly less angry “no offence but the cats don’t look enough like Hitler”. But, on the other hand, there have been favourable reactions such as “I am priviledged to know several Holocaust survivors and can assure you that none of them would be in the slightest bit troubled by your Kitler fanclub. As a Jew with a (admitedly sick) sense of humour I can honestly say I love your site”.
5. Debbie’s eHarmony video bio
I can hear some of the more skeptical among you thinking, “this is a YouTube clip not a website,” and you are right. But no article about cat worship would be complete without the inclusion of this deeply moving expression of one woman’s love for all cats everywhere:
Or, if you prefer your cat worship set to music, there’s always the remix:
DISCLAIMER: It was later discovered that the clip is actually by a lady called Cara Hartman and is a parody. Which kind of spoils the fun a bit, so please do the right thing and pretend you didn’t read this disclaimer.
Image: Doug Woods