Many Memeburn readers are considered “social media gurus”, most often by themselves. A “social media guru” is kind of like being a spiritual guru, except instead of devoting your life to the quest for enlightenment, you devote it to trying to make big brands look good online. I am not making fun of these people, in fact I am one myself. I was recently ordained to official guru status by his holiness, Śri Sathya Dave Duarte after staring at the screen of my Macbook for seven days, until I had a godlike marketing awakening. My awakening was this: to effectively market your brand online, you need to know not only who is most likely to engage with your brand but also who is least likely to. This will enable you to avoid wasting time on those who are probably not going to be interested.
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1. The mountain people of Peru
Life in the villages high up in the Peruvian Andes is a constant struggle for survival. Sub-zero temperatures and unusually high altitudes create a life in which just getting through each day is difficult, leaving very little time for social media. Many modern technological developments have not reached them, and while this may be a shock to you, they don’t even have internet access, preferring to devote their spare time to chewing on the leaves of the coca plant and worshipping the sun god Inra.
For this reason, the Peruvian mountain people will be less likely than the average person to ‘like’ your brand’s Facebook page or even follow you on Twitter! A better way to reach these people would be to charter a plane, which you can then fly over the Andes and drop leaflets advertising your brand over their village. It is then possible that they may utilise your brand’s services on one of their rare trips down the mountain to trade the colourful traditional hats they craft for basic groceries.
2. The elderly
It is a misconception that the elderly are incapable of using technology. My late grandmother, for example, taught herself to email in her seventies. This was a huge step for her, but sadly she unfortunately never learned to use the caps lock key, WHICH MEANT THAT SHE ALWAYS SEEMED LIKE SHE WAS SHOUTING AT US, EVEN WHEN SHE WAS JUST INVITING US OVER FOR CRUMPETS. And she was one of the better ones. Go around a retirement home asking whether or not the people are on Twitter and the most likely answer will be “excuse me” (and not just because you didn’t necessarily ask the question into their good ear).
But there are other reasons why trying to get the elderly to engage with your brand online is difficult. As my late grandfather always used to say to me, “Excuse me sonny, what did you say your name was?”. As you may have gathered, my late grandfather was senile. One of the big no-nos of marketing is trying to target the senile, as senility makes one lose touch with reality, like a small child or the members of South African fringe group Afriforum.
3. The Amish
According to a website about the Amish, “many outsiders mistakenly think that the Amish reject technology. It is more accurate to say that they use technology selectively”. The website goes on to explain that while the Amish reject some forms of technology outright, namely the evil ones such as “televisions and radios”, they do “readily buy much modern technology, such as gas grills, shop tools, camping equipment, and some farm equipment”.
While this may be an eye-opener to those who thought the Amish didn’t use technology at all, it has to be said that the forms of technology they use are not exactly the type that Toby Shapshak is going to cover in Stuff. You don’t see them reviewing the latest combine harvesters on Mashable. The web post also specifically mentions that the Amish reject computers, which means it’s pretty pointless trying to engage with them online regarding your product (which they probably wouldn’t use anyway, unless it happens to be a gas grill, shop tool, or some form of camping or farm equipment). In which case, it’s worth mentioning that the Amish are known for having a strong affinity towards homemade preserves, so perhaps send them one along with some information on your brand, rather than attempting to engage with them online.
4. Kim Kardashian
Listen, dip-shit, Kim Kardashian is an extremely busy and important person with over 15-million followers on Twitter. She is therefore one of the least likely people to engage with your brand online. Unless you happen to be persuasive, and by persuasive I mean able to pay her upwards of US$500 000, in which case she is one of the most likely.
