Zuckerbaby parody open letter is all kinds of awesome

This week, the world has been celebrating the birth of Mark Zuckerberg and Priscilla Chan’s daughter Max. The couple also achieved massive kudos from people around the world when his hoodiedness posted an open letter to Max promising to give away 99% of his Facebook shares to “advance human potential and promote equality for all children in the next generation”.

“We will give 99% of our Facebook shares — currently about US$45 billion — during our lives to advance this mission,” Zuckerberg writes in the letter, adding “We know this is a small contribution compared to all the resources and talents of those already working on these issues. But we want to do what we can, working alongside many others.”

Not everyone’s happy about it though, least of all Max, who has responded with an open letter of her own.

Read more: Mark Zuckerberg to donate 99% of his Facebook shares to ‘advance human potential’

Before we’re accused of being hopelessly naive journalists, we are aware that the letter is a parody tied to The Daily Show.

Among other things, the letter accuses the Zuckerberg and Chan of taking away “the one thing that was going to be cool about being your kid (the money!!!)”. It also points out that the charity they’ll be donating their wealth to “isn’t even a charity, but a limited liability corporation”.

Read the letter in full below:

Dear Mom and Dad,

First, if you have something to say, you can say it to my face instead of posting it on the internet for the whole goddamn world to see.

Second, congrats on out-humble-bragging the world. Seriously, how can anyone else post to Facebook about their newborn child when you’ve set the bar at GIVING AWAY 45 BILLION DOLLARS IN FACEBOOK SHARES TO CURE DEATH or whatever crazy world salvation and tax evasion was in that long essay?

Third, what are you doing? Those were going to be my shares, and you’re giving them to charity? And not just any charity, your own charity which technically isn’t even a charity, but a limited liability corporation?? SMH.

I get it. I’m going to be rich for the rest of my life with nothing to worry about (other than the fact I will be the most observed person on the planet with literally everyone being aware of every move I make for the rest of my life), but come on dudes! Don’t take the one thing that was going to be cool about being your kid (the money!!!) and warp it into me being responsible for fixing the world that your generation and the Baby Boomers fucked up. That’s totally on you guys.

Sincerely,
Max

P.S. Dad, please don’t ever milk me for retweets again. Yeah, I said “retweets,” asshole. I wish I was Jack Dorsey’s or Ev Williams’s daughter. Now change my diaper, I just wrecked it.