The politics of the Facebook friend

Though they’re much criticised for their idiosyncrasies, the comments section on any webpage holds a morbid fascination for me. I know that the attitudes and opinions that one is likely to come across can be nasty, but just like a horror film, I can’t help but look. In my last article, a tale of, “How my ‘friends’ killed Facebook for me“, I couldn’t help but look. Besides the groundbreaking revelation that I am a “self-important pretentious git” (a turn of phrase I must admit I rather like), some comments made a very honest point.

Essentially, what they argued was, if you don’t like what you see on Facebook, it’s very simple to deal with it: Unfriend that person.

But honestly, is it really that easy?

Most people shy away from awkward situations. The moment when you’re confronted by those you have unfriended is certainly awkward. Facebook has given our cowardly natures the option to ‘hide’ updates from those we rather not deal with. But as stated, that’s the cowardly option and as a friend once tweeted, “Deleting people on Facebook is so liberating”.

On the other hand Twitter gives the “impression” of being a far less personal platform than Facebook. Unfollowing is an easier act. However, on Facebook the politics of unfriending can be a “dangerous” affair. How you handle unfriending a person probably mirrors how you handle axing that annoying person whom you’ve allowed yourself to become friends with.

When you meet someone in real life you have a decision period, time to reflect on whether or not to pursue a friendship. Facebook does not allow that. On Facebook, it’s either yay or nay.

Some may argue that being able to count their ‘friends’ in the thousands is a good thing.There is no right or wrong when it comes to social media, but really? Thousands? The very thought makes me fall towards my smelling salts, and not in a good way either.

When it comes to Facebook, less is definitely more.

Though what I will say is, a 2008 study found that, narcissists tend to be those with a “large number of Facebook friends.” Make of that what you will…

Recently I was interviewed on a television program where my Facebook profile was shown. Within minutes, I had over 30 friend requests, which was when I stopped counting. These were all declined. It’s not always that simple though. Sometimes it’s your boss, your co-worker, a friend’s new boyfriend, someone who you’re probably going to have to interact with in real life. Though we say it’s ‘only Facebook,’ we know it’s not.

Before the days of Facebook Mobile, think about the pre-school urge to tell Timmy that he’s not your friend before he tells you; or the adult urge to be the ‘breaker-upper,’ not the ‘broken-up with. I have witnessed people literally run to computers to unfriend someone before they were the ones unfriended. Clearly, it’s not ‘only Facebook’ – this behaviour runs deep.

Sure, “Graham” was a nice enough guy, but four years later, with nary a word exchanged between the two of you, not even a ‘like’ on a status, does he really still need to have access to all 420 pictures of you, including the ones of the night when that unfortunate incident with the rabbit occurred?

If the politics of the Facebook friend are tricky when it’s other people, delicate doesn’t come close to describing what they are when it comes to family and co-workers; what if it’s Dave from Accounts or cousin Francis, twice removed from your mothers side; then what?

A limited profile only works as long as Dave or Francis are willing to not bring up the fact that they can’t access certain things on your profile. That they sent that friend request, though they’re not really friends, doesn’t lend credence to the hope that they won’t. You know Dave and Francis want to see that picture with the rabbit.

If Facebook is not ‘just Facebook,’ and truly is an “online extension” of real life as Facebook co-founder and manager of Barack Obama’s presidential campaign, Chris Hughes put it, then somehow there has to be a way of taking the social graces that people have developed and applying them to the world of social media.

Of course, the problem is those social graces have taken millennia to develop, not to mention the many tomes by Miss Manners, whereas social media, less than decade old for most people, just doesn’t quite fit yet.

Perhaps there’s no need for all this anxiety, but to admit that would be to write an entire article then “nullify” it in one phrase, as a critique on that last article pointed out. Or perhaps, I’ve failed at “social media management,” – who even knew there was such a thing – as another said, but then again, as that friend put it, “deleting people on Facebook is so liberating.”