Ten foolproof ways to be an online tosser

One of the defining features of online writing, apart from the ability to include links, is the comments facility. Publishing an entry is only half of any blog; the rest evolves as comments are added and commenters argue amongst themselves.

Reader response can be a source of invigorating debate, or it can drive one to despair at the state of human civilisation. Not caring about the comments you get on your blog requires the epidermal resilience of a Sumatran rhinoceros, and many of us would stop writing altogether if we took them to heart.

Having picked up my share of stalkers and trolls over the years, and felt many a pang of empathy at the sight of a fellow blogger on the receiving end of a vicious diatribe, I feel qualified enough to offer at least a basic overview on how to be a complete and utter tosser online:

1. Hide behind anonymity. There is the odd nutcase who is perfectly happy to have their particular brand of sociopathy cached for posterity, but most trolls are petty little cowards, happy to fling abuse as long as it’s from the safety of anonymity.
2. Make it personal. Instead of responding to the substance of the argument, insult the blogger. This can involve references to race, class, gender or political affiliation – anything, in fact, but what was actually written. Which naturally leads to…
3. Miss the point. Never, ever read anything properly. Be willfully obtuse. Always leap gracefully to conclusions before you’ve read the second paragraph, never mind the last line.
4. Grind that axe. Nurse petty grievances and tend to your grudges, so that they are ready to be used the moment you spot a new piece by a writer you love to hate.
5. While you’re grinding that axe, bang that drum too (the ability to multitask is a great advantage for the online tosser.) Trot out the same tired shibboleths regardless of who is blogging or what’s being blogged about.
6. Be patronising. Endeavour to show the blogger the error of her ways (it’s usually a male engineering type targeting a woman) by leading her through the thicket of her muddled thoughts to the golden land of logic and reason beyond. See point three.
7. Use vitriol where less belligerent language would do just as well. The more histrionic, the better.
8. Insult other commenters who disagree with you. Direct the same abuse you used for the blogger at them. See point two.
9. Insist on having the last word, even if it means keeping comment threads on life support long after they’ve reached the end of their natural lifespan. Online tossers always seem to keep a stash of digital embalming fluid handy, often returning to leave comments weeks or months after the original blog was posted.
10. Declare thatyou can’t understand why rubbish like this gets published. While making sure, obviously, that you read everything the blogger writes so you can tell them how crap they are.

Much as I wish I did, I don’t have the skin of a pachyderm. There are times when I do feel brave enough to poke my head around the door to see what everyone has to say. Usually, though, I’m happy to let them carry on without any intervention from me. Trolls are a lot like a pack of Maltese Poodles yapping behind a Vibracrete wall. You the blogger know they’re there, but you can’t see them, and if you don’t break your stride they’ll soon be out of earshot.