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The world is confusing as it is. Does Hollywood really need another Chucky film? A Jumanji reboot? A Bad Moms sequel? What did we, the human race, do to deserve this?
(You know, besides climate change and letting The Big Bang Theory last as long as it has.)
Many a confusing trailer was released last week, and I was encouraged into thoroughly researching the necessity of each film and show. Below are my findings.
A Bad Mom’s Christmas
Pros: Mila Kunis. Kristen Bell. Moms getting their due justice.
Cons: Christmas movie. Kids as brunt of sex jokes. First film was barely tolerable.
As necessary as: those crowns you wear on Christmas Day that are fun to begin with but lose their appeal within the hour so you them away because your area doesn’t recycle.
In SA theatres: 1 December.
Pros: Jackie Chan as a complex, emotional character kicking ass and taking names.
Cons: Will not act as escapism from the scary world we live in.
As necessary as: that friend who won’t stop talking about the terrible world news that, while important, is really souring the taste of your Mai Tai.
In SA theatres: 24 November.
What Happened to Monday?
Pros: Sick premise. One actor in multiple roles. Girls named after days of the week. Willem Dafoe.
Cons: Dystopia. Also goes by Seven Sisters and it’s very confusing.
As necessary as: Orphan Black in its early days.
In SA theatres: TBD.
Pros: Iwan Rheon playing a villain. A comic adaptation we haven’t seen before.
Cons: Another comic adaptation. Questionable production quality.
As necessary as: complaining about more superhero content knowing full well no one cares.
In SA theatres: 1 September in IMAX, unknown TV premiere.
Cult of Chucky
Pros: Great fodder for nights you want to laugh at bad horror movies.
Cons: Everything else.
As necessary as: that old doll you’re hoarding in your cupboard because it’s sentimental and kid would want it anyway.
In SA theatres: never. This one’s going straight to DVD and digital.
Rick and Morty
Pros: People. Are. Stoked.
Cons: It’s taken two years for the third season to come out. How many fans died in that time?
As necessary as: Dan Harmon staying in creative control of the shows he creates.
Released: 30 July on Adult Swim in the US. Netflix SA does not yet have a release.
Pros: Indie film. Robert Pattinson. Stellar Rotten Tomatoes score.
Cons: Indie film means low distribution. Trailer too long.
In SA theatres: probably never. In US 11 August — look out for it on digital.
Pros: Andrew Garfield seems like a friendly man. Kenya. A focus on disability.
Cons: Oscar bait. Colonial Kenya.
As necessary as: a remake of The Theory of Everything.
In SA theatres: 2 February 2018.
Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle
Pros: People may be encouraged to watch the original Jumanji.
Cons: Turning Jumanji franchise into slapstick comedy with fat jokes and subtle misogyny.
As necessary as: learning that Dwayne Johnson is a registered Republican.
In SA theatres: 29 December.