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9 apps to make you lose faith in humanity

Applications; what a few years ago was something we filled in when we wanted a job, has become an integral part of the way we use technology. In the war between Android, iPhone and BlackBerry, apps are tossed about like hand grenades.

What started out as an honest effort to make our phones more versatile, has turned into a silly festival.

Don’t get me wrong, I delight in the sheer unnecessary entertainment offered by fmylife or damnyouautocorrect and am grateful to all those YouTube video creators who spend hours lipsyncing politicians to dodgy lyrics, but I’m not always satisfied.

I then ask whether or not there’s an app for that only to discover there is, and it’s awesome and will change my life.

One fateful day, however, apps crossed the line. Apps started taking over areas of our lives we really should manage for ourselves.

Here are the nine worst apps, in descending order, that have boggled my mind.

9. Hurl
This is an app which shows you varying degrees of vomit, and whose entire reason for being appears to be showing it to people shortly after they’ve eaten in an attempt to make them hurl. Seriously, I could live in a world without this. At least, in its favour, it identifies itself as disgusting.

8. Pickanexcuse
This comes in at a meagre 8th, and it’s a bit of a cheat on this list. I do find it occasionally funny, but what disturbs me is the suggestion that some people actually use this: to generate excuses. Whatever happened to our own innate excuse making capabilities. If we can’t even make up our own lies involving dogs and computers anymore, what are we good for?

7. Sex SMS
Coming in seventh, is something worse than not making up your own excuses. Why think up your own flirtatious text messages when Sex SMS will do it for us? A sexy seventh place, for an app that takes any and all personality out of the chase. If you are so bold and mindless as to use this app, do yourself a favour and memorise a few tasty lines for when you’re actually with the object of your lust, or your secret may be out.

6. Marriage Proposal Ideas
If you manage to bluff your way through dating, you’ll certainly have trouble thinking up your own “unique” marriage proposal idea, as our number six candidate claims to be able to do for you.

Picture this: years from now, your children ask you how you got engaged. “I picked a completely random idea from a one dollar iphone app” is not, I repeat not, the answer you want to be giving.

And if you need an app to “learn her proposal style”, I would humbly suggest you don’t know her well enough to be marrying her (Allowing, for a moment, the crass assumptions that the only “unique” proposals are by men, to women).

If the man you are dating has this app on his phone, run.

5. Passion
Normally I’d recommend that instead of the proposal app you try to inject a little passion into your relationship — but not this app. Ladies and gentlemen, not quite a winner at number five, an app which rates your sexual performance.

I know, you’re thinking “passion”, surely we all want some of that?

In this case, however, you’d be horrendously mistaken. Passion is simple:Leave your iPhone on your bed, and Passion will use motion detection and its microphone to score how well you score. Note: Use of the Passion app may lead to you needing the next app on our list of shame.

4. Myvibe
A solid fourth place goes to MyVibe, which takes your relationship with your phone to a level I personally consider highly unhealthy. Taking the “vibrate” function out of bad jokes and putting it firmly between your legs, MyVibe is as basic, and as horrifying, as the name suggests.

And yes, just a few minutes later you may well be answering a call from your Gran on that phone.

Shame on you.

3. Dogfighting
Moving away, for the moment, from matters of a sexual nature, (believe it or not I have a serious side) I seriously cannot abide the app at number three, KG Dogfighting. This app, as the name suggests to you, encourages you to train your dog to kill the others.

Despite several attempts to get it banned, which succeeded with Apple, Android continues to offer this app, which in my opinion, is downright horrid.

2. Sexulator
Maybe all the rage being acted out in the Dogfighting is due to relationship woes. And the app makers of the world are here to help, with our second prize winner. “Do you fight with your partner about how often you have sex?” — the makers of this app — or as I like to call it, sex you much, much later — think you need their app.

It’s a sex calculator and calendar in one. Here’s some free advice. The moment the words “I don’t care what you say, according to my app the last time we had sex was February 13th at 7:55pm for 8 minutes”, your relationship is over.

So you ask: what could be worse than apps that vomit, make excuses, propose, have sex, and kill dogs on your behalf? I give you the Gold Medallist of Bad Apps, the App which makes the other eight apps on this list appear benign.

1. PMSBuddy
With a tagline claiming the app’s “saving relationships, one month at a time!” how could this go wrong? Well, let me tell you.

A friend of mine discovered that her boyfriend had been tracking her menstrual cycle for a year claiming to be doing it “for good reasons”. Men, there is something altogether creepy about doing this without your partner’s knowledge.

I can certainly see the benefit of this for women, as I for one frequently get “surprised” that it’s “that” time again. Seriously though, the man in my life getting a reminder on his phone two days before to go easy on me, I’m a hormonal wreck?

I say hell no!

No freaking way!

That’s just wrong on so many levels, and invades so many levels of privacy!

You won’t need Passion to tell you you’re not scoring tonight! You’ll never need any Marriage Proposal Ideas! It’ll just be you and your MyVibe, playing Dogfighting. ALONE!

Oh, wait a minute…what’s the date again? Is there an app for that?

  • Nm Dyer

    I actually agree with the writer’s opinions in this article, even though it was written with humour. (And of course, I laughed, thank you!) There are some serious questions that comes to mind about what some application developers were thinking when they created such programs. I love to browse through the android app market, and I’m pleasantly and unpleasantly surprised by some of the stuff that I’ve seen listed. I only download what interests me. That’s the positive side. I love having a smartphone.

  • LOL. Did I miss App number 6?

  • Pingback: Mobile Malware Reality Check – PCWorld | What's New UK()

  • Kelly

    Actually I will have to disagree with you on the Sexulator app, as I know some married couples who use that app (this came up at a discussion with the wives one day) and they were saying this app has actually helped their marriage and that their sex lives are better now due to it, because they are tracking their sex, and having more of it now because they were wondering how much they were really having.  They now want to input more and raise their averages.  In fact I even found articles online from some magazines where this app was listed as the top 5 apps to improve your marriage.  Anyways, just wanted to point this out.  A healthy sex life is healthy for a marriage, and there is no reason to look down upon that.

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