Brendan Jack’s 13.5 extremely important rules for online marketing

Comedian Brendan Jack of Crazy Monkey fame writes for Memeburn on the latest cutting-edge ideas around online marketing. They are so cutting edge they’ll make your eyes bleed.

The web is deep. I mean I thought the deep end of the Brakpan municipal diving pool was deep. Then I signed up to Facebook, and Twitter, and Google+, and LinkedIn, and eBay and 4Chan, and well you get the idea …. I felt like a German tourist in central Hillbrow. Lost. Then I met advertising expert and all round good guy Dunlop Fantasia, who was kind enough to share his golden rules for online marketing success.

Rule 1
Don’t add your website address to traditional media adverts.
It confuses kids who’ve been raised with touchscreens. (They get really frustrated trying to click Facebook icons in a newspaper.)

Rule 2
Email is king.
Spam is still the best way to bludgeon consumers into buying. Fire your links into their inbox every day until they give in.

Rule 3
Stop empowering whiny online customers.
E.G. If you’re Woolworths and someone makes negative comments about your sausage prices, tell them to stop moaning and go to Walmart. Then make fun of how few friends and followers they have.
If they’re bloggers, get your tech department to crash their website.

Rule 4
Only hire people with “guru” in their job title.
Not “expert” or “wizard” — if their About.Me page doesn’t mention “guru”, walk away.

Rule 5
Never hire “rockstars” or “ninjas”.
Rockstars only wake up at lunchtime and insist on smoking in your office. If someone lists ‘ninja’ on their CV, they’re lying. Real ninjas can never be found.

Rule 6
Don’t waste your time joining LinkedIn.
It’s the same as collecting business cards you’ll never use.

Rule 7
Don’t ignore Ning, MySpace, GeoCities (Japan only) and Google Buzz.
I’m convinced they’re still about to explode.

Rule 8
Crowdsource your viral videos.
That way you can leave work early and beat the traffic. You won’t get anything resembling a quality product (probably filmed through a greasy cellphone lens), but at least it’s free.

Rule 9
When in doubt, organise a flash mob.
People are mesmerised by them.

Rule 10
Don’t waste online time.
Only one percent of the Internet enjoys visiting a website’s landing page. Why do you still have one?

Rule 11
Don’t be disappointed when your online promotion only gets retweeted and viewed a few times.
If you’re looking for 14-million views, get a teenager to film their cat coughing.

Rule 12
Contact Gareth Cliff via PayPal. He’ll fix your brand.

Rule 13
Buy my book.

Rule 13.5
The most important piece of advice I can give you is this, always*

*Contact with Dunlop’s Blackberry was unfortunately lost.

Brendan Jack ghost wrote Fantasia’s recently published #45 best-seller EMPIRE: How to Succeed with Nothing but Passion, Great Ideas and a Wealthy Family.

Get free chapters, a signed paperback or the eBook (for the price of a frappuccino) at http://www.brendanjack.com/empirebook

Image: origami_potato