The girl’s guide to gaming

Girl gamer

Girl gamer

If you’re a girl reading this, it’s probably because you’ve heard about video games from your boyfriend or the nice guy you’re totally friendzoning right now, or maybe you’ve decided you want to become one of those hot new “fake geek girls” that are all the rage right now – and as everybody knows, girls are all into fashion, right? Exactly.

Anyway, whatever your reasons for putting your next shoe shopping trip on hold, I’ve put together this helpful guide based on my very own extensive experience as a girl gamer to get you started. Gaming is hard, and being a girl playing games is even harder because of periods and compulsive texting and not being able to conceptually visualise 3D objects and other gross girl things, so pay attention.

If you’re going to call yourself a girl gamer, you’d better know everything about games, ever

This one is really, really important. It’s completely natural for guys to be gamers because they’re biologically hardwired to be competitive and pretend to shoot each other for points, but it’s obviously very suspicious for girls to be gamers because we always have ulterior motives for everything. I mean, you and I both know that the real reason we’re playing games is for attention, but it’s a good idea to keep this to yourself or guys won’t give you free stuff on Steam.

Remember, there are no girls on the internet without compelling evidence to the contrary

Make sure to keep a selection of recent photos of your boobs to show as proof when the demands start. The demands will start.

If you win a game, it’s because you’re “good for a girl”

Congratulations, you’re the exception to the rule that girls are bad at games. It might also be because you’re fat, ugly, and/or a slut, just because.

If you lose a game, it’s because you’re a girl

Congratulations, you’re the rule. It might also be because you’re fat, ugly, and/or a slut (see above). Don’t take it personally, though, because it’s just a joke, and if you don’t laugh it’s because girls don’t have a sense of humour. Oh, and speaking of which…

Get back in the kitchen and make some guy a sandwich

LOL. I’ve heard this joke several times a day, every day, for the last five years or more and it just gets more hilarious every time. Isn’t it hilarious? It’s so hilarious.

If you think you’ve got it bad, it’s because that’s just how it is and guys have it just as bad or even worse anyway

So what if you have to put up with insults jokes, speculative commentary about your appearance and sleeping arrangements, and unsolicited photos of other players’ dicks — guys get called names that call their sexual orientation into question. That’s so much worse, and besides, it’s nobody else’s fault you can’t take a compliment. Jeez.

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