Is tweeting cheating? 18 ways social media has impacted on our relationships

A “desperate, adolescent narcissism”. That’s the internet’s “defining vice”, according to New York Times op ed columnist Ross Douthat. He is not the first to make this observation, and when American politicians accidentally tweet embarrassing photos of themselves (thus demonstrating that, just because you’re paranoid, it doesn’t mean you’re not about to make a gruesomely public mistake), the tut-tutting only grows louder.

Anthony Weiner’s marriage is presumably taking some strain as a result of his digital dalliances, and the entire debacle raises questions – again – of how much impact social media has on those who are closest to us.

Since the point of social media is to connect and share with others, it’s hardly a revelation that all those tweets and status updates have affected our relationships, both platonic and romantic, in many ways. There’s a body of research which indicates that the generation growing up with social media is less empathetic and more self-involved than those who grew up with the TV or the telephone. On the other hand, there’s a study which claims those who are more active on Facebook are better socialized in real life too. It’s probably safest to assume that the overall effect is neither overwhelmingly positive nor overwhelmingly negative – more like a muddled, confusing mess somewhere in the middle (a lot like life, really).

Here are just some of the ways in which social media has impacted on how we interact with others:

1. There’s no excuse not to stay in touch.

This has always been one of the most compelling benefits of social media: it makes keeping in contact with distant friends and relatives much easier. Anyone who chooses not to have a Facebook profile is, in effect, shutting themselves off from others because getting in touch with them is so much more of a schlep.

2. Socialise the easy way.

Social media might as well have been invented for those who really, really empathise with Bruno Mars’ “The Lazy Song”. Facebook has made it incredibly easy to stay in touch. So much so that we resent having to make an effort to keep up with the lives of others; I have friends I haven’t communicated with directly in years, but I have a pretty good idea of what they’re up to. Likewise, it’s possible to be the life and soul of the virtual party without getting out of your pyjamas. You need never actually physically meet anyone ever again.

3. If you’re not in the news feed, you don’t exist.

Top of mind awareness means we focus our attention ever more exclusively on those who interact with us online. It’s easy not to forget about people in your life when you see them every day — but if you don’t, they soon slip from view.

4. Our eyes met across a crowded timeline.

In 2010, 1 out of 6 US couples who got married first met online. Can chemistry be detected through fibre optic cable? Apparently yes.

5. Don’t judge a book by its avatar.

Because we now get to know one another’s hopes and dreams
before we meet, it’s possible that we are now less shallow than we were, and less inclined to judge others by their appearance. We therefore get to know people we might otherwise never bother with. This is a godsend for the socially inept. As Victoria Coren argues, “Social networking allows kids to type their hellos, rather than mime them across the terrors of the dance floor.”

6. All the world’s a stage.

Several researchers have raised concerns about the fact that identity is now constituted and communicated for the benefit of others. Everyone’s performing a version of themselves: even our psychology is a performance maintains Sherry Turkle of MIT. In 20 years’ time, will we be able to make meaningful connections with one another? Or will the notion of “meaningful connection” have changed beyond all recognition?

7. Read the story of me, me, me.

We’re all our own publicists now. Not only is our identity performed, but we’re in charge of telling our own real-time, blow-by-blow stories…

8. Leave me out of it.

Stories which, as it happens, often involve people who would not otherwise choose to be written about. For people close to those with active social media lives, privacy is often a choice they don’t get to make. Blogging and tweeting about your personal life is an ethical minefield.

9. What’s in a name? Everything.

Performance and narrative come together in the form of the online persona carefully edited for public consumption. I’m far better known (and far more socially successful) as @Anatinus – to the point where my Twitter followers are confused when I make any reference to my real name. Can you make yourself sound interesting in 140 characters or less? Read the biographies of Twitter profiles to understand how social media is effectively spreading the notion of the personal brand.

10. Um, who are you?

It is now possible to know what somebody had for breakfast, whether they had a good day at work, and whether they recently consumed tequila -and to have absolutely no idea who they are when you encounter them in person. This is often because their avatar is shot from a flattering angle, but the disparity between the online persona and the real person – at least the one you meet, because we’re always only ever versions of ourselves – can be deeply disconcerting.

11. Jealousy makes you nasty.

When the significant other in your life sees you directing one too many tweets at one of your followers, or making one too many comments on their status updates, unhappiness generally results. This is further complicated by the fact that you can conduct conversations with half the planet while your spouse lies next to you in bed with the latest Jeffrey Deaver. Twitter is frequently the unspoken and unseen third person in the relationship.

12. Is tweeting cheating?

That third person in the relationship can become a problem. The Anthony Weiners of this world use social media to enable a kind of online infidelity that is keeping American divorce lawyers in Armani. Facebook has been cited as evidence in 20 percent of US divorces. As the psychologist quoted in that story explains, “Within a short amount of time, the sharing of personal stories can lead to a deepened sense of intimacy, which in turn can point the couple in the direction of physical contact.”

13. The kindness of strangers.

I’ve seen the most extraordinary revelations on Twitter. When big things happen in people’s lives, they tweet about it first, then update their status, then start phoning. The standard response to the sad news tweet is “hugs”. Is this a glib facsimile of sympathy? I honestly don’t know. But people seem to draw genuine comfort from the good wishes of their followers.

14. The giant corner couch and the big screen TV.

Judging by the tweets and status updates about Man U or SA Idols or Carte Blanche (the most depressing thing about Sundays in South Africa since the 1980s), people still experience a profound need to share what they’re watching on TV. It’s the same as sitting with friends yelling at the screen, only now you’re doing it with a bunch of fellow fans scattered across the globe.

15. The unbearable loneliness of being the only one awake.

Twitter can be the noisiest, most chaotic place in the world, and also the loneliest. Nothing is worse than tweeting into the echoing void. Yet at the same time, few things are more comforting than tweeting about how you can’t sleep and seeing a response from somebody in the same situation. Social media might not be real life, but real life won’t cure your loneliness at two in the morning.

16. Comparisons are odious – and inevitable.

Some studies of happiness show that it’s all relative. The more successful people are in comparison to those around them, the happier they are (the converse is also true). This has interesting implications for the way we interact on social media, because those constant updates mean we’re also constantly comparing ourselves to our peers. I’ve hidden Facebook friends whose status updates were so relentlessly cheerful they depressed me.

17. The painful public breakup.

If declaring on Facebook that you’re in a relationship with a specific person is about the biggest commitment you can make besides choosing a pavement special from the SPCA or getting married, then the undoing of that relationship status can be just as significant. When a couple part ways, there’s a sort of arms race to be the first to change your status to “single”. Your friends who never liked your boyfriend/ girlfriend anyway are then able to come out of the frenemy closet by clicking on “like”. This can, and does, lead to all sorts of awkwardness, especially when the couple kisses and makes up.

18. Finality is digital.

What’s the first thing you do when a relationship ends? You unfriend one another. If you never want to see or speak to somebody ever again, the best way to indicate this is by blocking them. In the past, not speaking to one another meant, well, not speaking. Not speaking to one another now requires more effort. Occasionally, one might find oneself in a situation where real life blanking is required, in which case it will be necessary to tweet about it. Ending relationships in the digital realm offers us a decisiveness that often eludes us in our analog lives.

So it is that more and more, our lives are lived in parallel. The bifurcation of ourselves into the digital persona and the person who is there, in the moment, in a specific geographic location, will continue to a point where for most, that’s just the way things are, and always have been. In the end, that’s where the real impact of social media will be felt: in our fraught and fractured relationships with ourselves.