10 revolting phones and ridiculous accessories

Golden phone cover

There’s a metric-ton of crappy phones and accessories. From golden covers to condom holding cases, the tech world is filled with gadget abortions like these. Below is the very best of the worst.

Phones that you will never own

1. Lamborghini TL700 — It seems rich people don’t mind lower standards when their phones can look as grotesque as the new Lamborghini smartphone. It runs an outdated Android system and sports a crocodile skin back. Classy. Not for the faint of heart, pretty much like their cars. At US$2750, it’s a relative bargain compared to the rest of this lot.

2. LG GD510 Twilight — How many times have you woken up in the middle of the night and thought “I need a Twilight cellphone”? If you answered “every night”, I wholeheartedly pity you, and this is your phone. Apparently it’s going to take over the French cell phone market. I say keep it in France. The cheapest of this lot, by a long shot, it’s US$160-US$200.

3. Tag Heuer Link Prestige Full Gold — No short changing the gold now, I want the full dose. And why not? If you’re going to look the prat, why not go all out. The watchmaker’s website calls it “an understated expression of power and prestige”. I wonder who its target market is if they would believe that. And what does the knob on the side do? Yours for only £16 000.

4. Vertu Boucheron 150 – And every other Vertu for that matter. This particular model takes 2 000 hours to produce, officially making it the biggest and most expensive waste of time. It’s solid gold too. For the overly rich and overly pretentious. Why not feed an African family or something? Rumour has it that it fetches a price tag upwards of £30 000.

5. Amosu iPhone Spider – Newly rich? Envy 50 Cent? Amosu offers bespoke diamond-encrusted cell phones of your choice. Think that the aluminium sides of the iPhone are too common? Why not throw in some diamonds to spice it up, like a gansta? This limited edition iPhone Spider is priced at a reasonable £15 000.

And now for the accessories that will change your life (for the worse).

1. Noiseless USB Karaoke Mic — If you are ever in the mood for a song and are too nervous to let anyone hear you (or have been told how awful your voice is and still want to sing), this nifty, if not exactly small, portable microphone is for you. Sing to your heart’s content, without disturbing everyone around you with your noise. Just so long as you don’t mind looking like a fool.

2. iMaxi – I think this is taking word-play a bit far. I mean, who wants to think of their new tablet going where the sun don’t shine? Can’t say that it looks hygienic either. And in case you’re afraid of your iPad getting damaged, it comes with protective wings. What’s next, a condom pocket for your iPhone?

3. Playa Case – You guessed it, it’s for holding condoms. In a fit of genius Opena has created the Playa Case iPhone cover that holds two condoms. So, if you have already ordered your iMaxi, do yourself a favour and guarantee that you will never get laid again and buy one of these. Because if you pull one of these out at a party, you will be forever known as super desperate.

4. iPad Typewriter – This is cool, properly cool. Like everything else here, it is ridiculous, but I would actually use this. I would not, however, buy it. At US$800 it is way over the top. But hey, trendy and retro come at a price, and no one can accuse you of being mainstream. But if you happen to be tech savvy, and have a typewriter laying around, they do have a conversion kit available. Off to the antique store!

5. Payphone Handset – This one is popular. But I couldn’t help but check the mouth and ear pieces for traces of saliva. Years of conditioning don’t just disappear. That said, who would actually carry one of these around with them? It’s not exactly small, now is it? You could make a case for reducing the radiation penetrating your skull, but those concerns are a bit dated, aren’t they?

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